Precocious

Precocious next to me

One would never notice nor see.

The way his voice commands the sea,   She bends and beckons wait for me.

Two lives lived, entwined yet unrefined. With ruffled feathers he hails unwavering 'this siren's mine.'

But why with her being tattered and torn, should the captain declare her no longer forlorn?

With each passing day, she hears her name. She succors his call no longer ashamed. As he extends his opened hand to her, a kiss is all she desires to concur. So she leans her head towards those massive hands, and with pressure of her lips she releases the bands. Stripped of fear no longer adheres, to the truth that binds them together.

Precocious' she thought no longer more. In fact she laughs more and more.  Of the man whose eyes she forever adores.

September 12, 2015 @ 1:39pm. 

Live via Banja Luka

You and I spoke today via FaceTime. Something about being away for quite some time and miles and miles apart that when you see each other in the camera tears just automatically form. 

I miss you Anna. I cannot even describe it after all this time. And to see you and monkey playing with each other made me smile. You showed me the background of Banja Luka and gave me a glimpse of where Tata lived as a little toddler. I'm awestruck by the huge city in the background. What an amazing adventure. I'm very happy with the way I've raised you. I'm not sure kids your age would travel with their grandma much less to a distant land far far away.

I hope you take a lot of pictures. If not, I hope your memory serves you well as it has for me. I love you so much. Mama.

Missing You

You're in Europe for the summer with Baka and it's the first time we've ever been apart from each other. Ever. Literally.

I didn't think I would cry, I wouldn't allow myself, but as soon as you were out of my sight, the tears just rolled down automatically. And I felt as though someone ripped my heart out of my soul without permission. This feeling, this longing for you is arcane. Almost indescribable, you have to feel it to completely understand it. I can't say I've ever felt this way towards any other person.

We talked today. You called me as I was taking my lunch break downtown. I could hear it in your voice. Joy, love, happiness, excitement. You spoke the words I longed to hear. "I miss you mom. I really really do! And I wish you were here. You would love it living here. I just know it. Do you know why? Because everyone here has kaffe here every s I n g l e day." As a side note you said the friends there told you if you lived there you would HAVE to have kaffe every single day without fail. You said to me "mama, you would love it. They have kaffe and talk just like you! By the way, where are you?" I said "I'm at Nostalgia, sitting outside, having kaffe and talking to you." Your reply: "see! I told you! I knew it!" I smiled so hard i cried. You really pay attention, don't you.

Baka took you all over the city and towns nearby. I could hear you growing and learning. "This place is so full of history" you said. You sounded overwhelmed and grown up just a tad bit as you spoke over the phone. Today, my heart is full. And overjoyed. It was the best lunch hour I've ever had in my life.

Sheets hanging outside...

This is definitely a cherished moment to be hanging my sheets outside in the backyard. I'm almost tempted to put in a clothesline. Seriously! The smell of fresh sheets dried from the heat of the sun. And the laundry detergent smell of gain. Ohhh.... I'm easily entertained.

Aside from that, I thought I'd mention that just this past trip to Hawaii made the first time Anna heard, seen, used a clothesline. Pins and all. My how time has changed. 

First dinner in Spring. (In the patio)

Pasta! Pasta! Ode to Pasta!

Long and thin like your legs

Al dente pashghetti.

Drizzled olive oil with garlic

The epitome of your soul.

Yes-Light. Green. Pressed. With garlic sizzling.

What an aroma to your corazon.

Add red roma tomatoes. Jubilee!

Throw in some fresh basil why not. And a dash of chipotle! Sprinkle parmessan! Bellisimo!

Ode to mi pasta!

It was our first dinner out back for this year. Spring sure does a number on the soul. Sun setting beautifully over the Oquirrh mountains. A ball game to watch with cheers of excitement bellowing in the background.

Yet nothing could make me more happier than your company. The way you tackle that pasta. Your laughter. The way your dimples flare all over your face. Red sauce gather on the sides of your smile. Feeling the warmth of the sun glistening like a thousand massaging fingers on my skin pressing up on tiny dew drops to pamper me.

Priceless.

Fin.

A Dream With Grandma Anna

Last night I dreamt I was returning.

And my heart called out to you.

But I fear you won't be like I left you.

Me kealoha ku'u home o Kahalu'u.

-Olomana

I woke up from a dream I did not want to end. It was a brief phone conversation with my Grandmother Anna Fanene Leota.

I'm not sure why I called her or thought of calling her, but this is what took place. It's very brief, but time is completely irrelevant in dreams. Only in words when we describe the dream do we find time stretching. Yet makes every feeling very real and precious everlasting.

Me: hello grandma. They're in my house. 

Why?! I didn't invite them, she just let them in.

Grandma: Oe. Tsk tsk tsk.... Kalofae.

(A woman in the group whispers saying it's beautiful, she wonders what the rest of the house looks like)

Me: grandma, they are being so nosy now they're going into the rooms. I have to stop them. 

Before I could get in front of them they were in the two rooms. Wows and aahs were followed in amazement. 

With my phone still to my ear, I said to the crowd, "you will all, will you please exit out and kindly leave. I did not give you permission and before you pass judgment let me say I did not allow you to see my rooms. You have no idea what or why I have done what I have done to each room. Please, leave. Don't make any assumptions because you really don't know or can't begin to know why things are the way they are. Close that door. No it is not a room for a child. He does not exist and not by choice. Please leave. It's something of the past but I could not have. Now please, leave you're starting to aggravate me.

Me: grandma, I'm so sorry you have to hear me like this. Listen, I'll let you go, but I apologize and it was sweet I wish I had more time to talk with you. I'll talk with you again later ok?

Grandma: no.

I laughed. Did you say no? 

Grandma: yes.

Again I laughed. 

Me: I love you grandma.

Grandma: They seem to like what you've done to the house. Let them go with their oohs and aahs. Tell me more Nancy.

Me: grandma? It's been a while hasn't it. 

The dream was of my neighbor Dawn letting a group of elderly people see into my house. She is quite boisterous at times. Often cunning but I'm not sure she either knows it nor cares. To me, it's not a good combination. I think.

But my grandmother seemed to give me the same assurance that I had of my work. It was my little masterpiece. No one could see unless they came inside. Like a plain box on the outside, with a treasure once seen inside. 

I just remembered laughing as she said No. That she'd rather stay on the line and hear me. And I in turn enjoyed the idea that she wanted to stay--- with me. It meant everything, I guess.

Easter Sunday- He is Risen

Salvation cannot be bought with the currency of obedience. It is purchased by the blood of the son of God. - Dieter F Utchdorf. General Conference Spring 2015.

I woke up this morning and realized it was my most favorite Sunday of the year. Easter Sunday. It always brings hope, colors, light, kindness. A benevolent sense of wonder to all of God's creations. An image of Jesus Christ our Savior and the Mary Magdalene on the morning when she saw Christ resurrected for the first time.

I'm always in awe as I wonder why did he visit her first? Whom would I have visited? I wonder if she felt so insignificant and then suddenly of genuine impalpable worth? 

I also think of the woman who washed his feet with her tears and then with expensive oils. I think of the meek and lowly in heart. 

I cannot say I feel this way everyday, but it does every Easter Sunday. 

Watching general conference, the words of one of the speakers were that of never giving up in rediscovering, renewing, and setting forth goals to which we strengthen our belief that Jesus is the Christ. Often times we just believe. And this belief becomes lessened or of little priority in our daily lives. But he encouraged us to renew our beliefs and like renew our goals to know Him once again. To question his very existence when we fall short of knowing Him. I liked that. And will strive to look with vigor each time I find myself in more of a secular mode. I wish you a very Happy Easter Anna. You're growing up and your mind seem more fixed on your iPod. And less on your soul. Perhaps it is part of life.  But when you find yourself in doubt or despair, I hope you can remember how much God loves you. Try to recall how much as a little girl, your spirit was in both worlds. Be happy. Choose happiness above all and you'll never be alone.